Beauty

Growing up, I always find myself ugly, and I have a very low confidence when taking pictures or when courting. Recently, I've been invited to do a photo shoot as one of the models. I was excited and it helped me boost my self-esteem.

After seeing the result, I was amazed! I now really appreciate myself and I thank God for who and what I am. I can't believe I tell God before why he created me this way etc. But now I'm very thankful. Thank you Lord! :)

Money

I have a problem with money. No matter what I do, money just won't stay with me for a long time. I do earn more than enough for a single person, it's just that there are a lot of things that I need to spend on.

Ok, I do admit I am also quite a spender most of the time, but you have to pamper yourself once in a while, yeah? That's why it is also difficult for me to use my own money for something that wouldn't benefit me directly. Like for example, I paid for my mom and dad's dentures, I bought my sister quite an expensive gift on her 18th birthday. But I guess these are still a bit easy to give out since they are family. It was just recently that I lent money to someone who I never talked to for years.

A high school classmate called me one morning. She never contacted me since we graduated, except when I meet her in reunions, but that's just it. So she called and asked if she could borrow a huge sum of money. She said she's having a baby this month and they expected the baby to come on March, so the money they loaned will also come on March. However, the excited baby wants to go out this February, so they don't have money. And she called me to borrow some money.

Being myself, I would normally lend money. I would have said, why did you do it and get pregnant if both of you aren't financially ready? I would have said, I don't think you can pay for it. But I just put off everything I was thinking and just help out since we're talking about life here. Amazingly, my classmate now texts me regularly and updates me on how she is doing and how the baby is doing. I just pray that the baby will come out healthy and both of them to be safe.

What I learned is that money is not really important here in this world. It's the relatedness and friendship you build that makes us alive and human.

A Son's Wish

Please pray for my dear friend, Phillip Kimpo Jr., and his dad who are going through a very hard time at the moment. His dad, who is a state prosecutor was falsely involved in the alleged PHP50M DOJ bribery attempt. Phillip opened up and shared his simple life with his dad (which I didn’t even know about when we were still in college). Phillip is one of my closest friends in UP. He may be hard-headed and temperamental at times to the point of smashing his cellphone on the ground when angry, but he is an honest and principled man who will fight for what is right. He is also a good friend, who will fight with you as long as you are right. He has shown this back in 4th year college when we established the Alliance of Computer Science Organizations which faced a lot of oppositions from major organizations. Even until now, facing the situation with his dad, he still showed courage and still fought for what he believes in.

Please see Phillip's letter here.

Action or Reaction?

I looked back on 2008 and it occurred to me that I've been a man of many reactions... some are bad, some are good. A car cuts in front of me on a heavy traffic? I have a bad day. A stranger gets inside my room? I blow up. A colleague gives a negative feedback? I brood or become defensive. A friend declines my invitation? I don't talk to them for days.

These are some of the bad reactions that I've had the past year. If I think about it, all these reactions are automatic. I've never really put much thought on it. So what if a car cuts in front of me on a heavy traffic? He's not making my day bad. It would be if I act irritable over it the whole day. So what if a stranger gets inside my room? I shouldn't blow up, instead I should ensure it won't happen again. So what if a colleague gives a negative feedback? It is for my own personal growth if I listen to it. So what if a friend declines my invitation? They may be busy, but that doesn't mean they don't like me anymore.

As hard as it may be, my new year resolution for 2009 is to be a man of actions, not reactions. If something happens, I would think first, before I act. Or catch myself from reacting, and change it to a fruitful action.

Happy new year to everyone!

Smile

It was only this year that I've become present with my smile. Before, I was so insecure about my smile and I was always embarassed to really really smile in front of others (especially in front of a camera). This was because I considered myself as "ugly", and people even called me an "orc" because of how my teeth looked like.

Last year, I decided to finally go to an orthodontist and have my teeth straightened. And after a year of wearing braces, my confidence went up, and I was able to really really give a smile from the bottom of my heart. Smiling is really powerful as it makes me feel really happy and my way to tell everyone that everything will be alright as Jesus is with us.

So this Christmas, here's my gift to everyone... SMILE!

Hatred... coming back...

My last post was about hatred and getting peace. However, I just lost myself to anger tonight when someone broke in my room and tried to steal my laptop....

It was around 10PM when I got home, when I saw my dad's guest come out of my room. I was worried and a bit doubtful of what happened. And when I got in my room, things didn't look like when I left. And worst of all, the side of my laptop was cracked open.

I had a kensington lock on my laptop before I left. And yes, I don't normally lock the room as it's only me and my dad at home. However, my dad let his guests in, and that guest tried to steal the laptop.

Anyway, I am just so angry and mad right now. I hate the guest for trying to steal my laptop (and breaking its side); and I hate my dad for letting people inside the house, and even into my room.

I can't sleep right now because I am not at peace with myself and I am so angry. Is this God's test? If it is, I just failed.

Sigh... how should one react at this situation? I know I am so angry right now... but as I write this, I am beginning to let it go and just talk to my dad to make sure that it won't happen again.

Guess I should sleep. Goodnight.

Hatred

It's been more than a year since I last posted; that year lost was a year I lost my way to God. But now I am back, writing once again to share what I learned and how I found my way back.

I grew up hating my father...

My father was a disciplinarian, I hated him for beating me up when I was a kid.
My father didn't graduate college. I hated him for being such a loser, and I was ashamed of him.
My father lost his job. I hated him that I had to experience poverty and hunger.
My father was a drunkard and a smoker. I hated him because my mom and my siblings left us, making us a broken family.

This hatred grew with me and it never gave me peace. It haunted me so much that I had it whereever I go - in school, at work, when I'm with my friends, and even when I go to church. This hatred was also the very reason why I stopped writing on this blog. How can I be at peace with God the Father, when I couldn't even be at peace with my father here on Earth? I just had to stop.

It wasn't until last October of 2008, that I finally freed myself from this hatred. I joined the Landmark Forum, and in that seminar I got peace. I didn't join Landmark Forum to get peace, I joined because I want to be extraordinary, to be the best person I can be. I attended an introduction and they asked us "What does it take to have an extraordinary life?" I was attracted to it, that's why I joined.


During the landmark forum, I realized...

My father was a disciplinarian, and he only wanted me to grow up to be a great man and to be successful.
My father didn't graduate college. But he worked hard to ensure we get a better life.
My father lost his job. And his life was miserable and I made it worse for hating him.
My father was a drunkard and a smoker. And he will always be as that's the way he is. And it's not the reason why my mom left and my sisters left, I just made that up inside my head just to justify my hatred towards him. And we're not a broken family, we still contact each other every day.


Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.

So one Sunday morning, I talked to my dad and told him that I'm sorry I was arrogant, pig-headed, and I was a bad son. I told him I'm sorry that I didn't see that throughout these years all he ever did was to loved me and to make me feel secured. Then I told him, without hesitation, that I love him and he is a great dad. He told me, "Don't worry about it, you are my son." And with that, we just hugged while tears fell from my eyes. And since then, I have found peace in my life.

And with this peace, it enabled me to reach out and find my way back to God.